| so here i am sitting my quiet house. oh so very quiet. the only things i hear is of the pouring rain and the clicking of my keyboard. it's been a while since i've been all alone and have had quiet time all to myself. after a few hours of agonizing boredom, i've decided to blog. i have decided to write a few days ago, but was bored with even the thought of writing. but here i am.. too lazy to crack open a book and too bored to even surf the web. instead i am trying to put to words the thoughts inside this little pea brain of mine. with a "not so look-forward" day coming up, i can't help but think of what had happened in my life over the past few years. i had it pretty nice.. a family, friends, pets, tonz of toys, good grades, classroom parties, i could basically get whatever i wanted with a pout on my face and a stomp of my feet. yeah. pretty spoiled. until we became adventists. and boy, did that change everything. Kindergarten & 1st grade-- my first love
Bobby. I don't remember his last name. But all i remember of him is his striped t-shirt and bright blue eyes. in kindergarten, he sat right across from me in class and we shared our crayons together. due to my shyness and lack of English, i never had the courage to say anything but sit there and stare at him. Everything else was a blur. oh wait. I do remember teaching him how to use two colors to make another color. fascinating. fastforwarding to first grade-- I sat in my seat nervously as i waited for bobby to enter into our first grade classroom. To my horror, i saw him in the one over. but instead of smiling and waving, he had his head down on his desk and was crying. I sat in silence as i watched bobby sobbing as he begged his parents not to leave him.  that's when i turned myself around, sat straight up in my chair and started studying my spelling words. no boy of mine was going to be a cry baby. 2nd grade and 3rd grade-- softball and track
although, i do have to admit, i did hate them both. #1. I had an arm for pitching, but never did so well with the bat. i always struck out and did embarrassing little arm flailing whenever i would run to base. #2. track was fine, until i hit the hurdles. my legs weren't as long as all the other caucasian girls in my class. i couldn't jump high enough and would always manage to knock over every single one of those damn hurdles. I would sit in defeat as i watched my classmates run and jump. my coach, "the whistle nazi" as I shall dub her, would come by with a whistle and blow it everytime I'd knock down a hurdle. everytime i heard that whistle i felt anger and shame. my coach did take some time out after school to help me with that~ but my incoordination was too much for even the teacher to handle. but i still kept running. and still knocked over those hurdles. and now, about 16 years later, i'm a couch potato. so different. i would break a sweat, feel like my heart is gonna pump itself out of my chest when climbing but a few stairs.  it's so disturbing how out of shape one can be. 4th grade-- intro to Adventism
I was forced to wear dresses 24/7. i remember the stress of trying not to tear it off of me. This time pouting, screaming, crying did not change my parents minds. Instead, they received gifts from other church members-- gifts of heavy material made into matching dresses for my mom and I. Sleeves of which came down to my wrists, hems reaching the floor, and lace around the collar that made my neck red from itching. during potluck, everyone commented on how wonderful the mother/daughter looked in their matching outfits. I fidgeted nonstop as I sat next to my parents during prayer meetings, sermons, and more talking. i felt like i was being punished for no reason. I didn't understand why I was thrown into the country, wearing dresses, and growing gardens. which was a big ol’ plate of annoying. Highschool-- let the good and the bad times roll
Highschool was a time where i broke free from my parents and a time where I learned to "discover" myself. It was the most scary thing I had ever done in my life. I had never been away from my parents for so long.. and to a certain degree, enjoyed my new found "freedom". mission trips. tardies. study halls. working. pulling pranks on people. friends. singing. the awful food... it was great.. I've made some incredible friends and got to know many interesting types of people. This is when i feel like i grew into a happy and bubbly girl. The only things i really had to worry about was getting to class and worship in time, turning my lights off at 9:30, and studying my sabbath school lesson. oh.. i wish things were as simple as it was back then.. When my parents divorced in the middle of my Sophomore year, i was trying hard to not let the pain show. I kept it a secret as much as I could. I didn't want pity. I didn't want people say. "aww. her family is broken." I refused to bring up anything about my family. I was so ashamed and felt that if I was at home I could have prevented it. I then tried to drown it out with the normal hustle and bustle of student life. It worked for a while.. until I came face to face with it. I had to accept the fact that my parents will not be living in the same house anymore, that I had to rely on my brother to fix everything that is broken in the house, that I had to be more sensitive and caring to my family. I learned that people fail you.. and sometimes they are those who are the closest to you.. College-- "oh dear"
I embraced college life and strived to make it the very best. I avoided all forms of partying and didn't join the "freshmen 15" group (until my first year at Southern.) I was determined to make these college years the best and the most productive. I had everything planned out. This is when my "sheltered" bubble came to an end. I thought that life would be this easy road.. where things were handed to me.. where people would just guide me through life... where bumps on the pathway wouldn't end up bruising my ego. But no. I soon learned through some lessons that life would not let it be this easy. I've experienced betrayals and disappointments before but instead of the usual, "I forgive you. let's be friends again!", i refused to resolve them. this time, it hurt too much. i wanted to just block it out and forget that anything had happened. soon, everything, every little thing, became a problem. family. friends. my "friends". school..began to make a toll on me. i wanted to think that everything will be ok. i wanted to be that "happy-go-lucky" girl that i once was. I wanted to laugh so hard that my stomach hurt. I wanted to be 15 again. i blamed my "problems" on Adventism. i blamed it on my "friends". I blamed it on my family. I blamed it on the school system. I blamed everyone, but me. i was sitting in a huge mud puddle of patheticness.. I sought help from different people, to get different aspects and angles of my problems.. to see if this was a big deal. and of course, it wasn't. and as I tried to help to clear the muddy waters, i found myself drowning in it. i was too prideful to admit anything was wrong. I became cynical and judgmental. I became dramatic and insensitive. I was "complaining because I wanted something to complain about." Where once i would rise to a challenge, i stood back hoping no one would notice me. Even when i felt like a responsible and maturing adult, i wasn't. looking back, things haven't changed much... but i'm learning again how to trust people. i joke with my friends again. I spend hours talking to my mother. i've forgiven people. i'm stepping out of my comfort zone again. i've learned that not everything is done my way. I'm learning that I can't be tough all the time. i've learned to say "please" to my brother, instead of beating him up. i've relearned to laugh so hard with friends that we would end up on the floor in tears. i'm learning how to take initiative. i'm learning to be more patient. i'm learning that not everything is such a "big deal". and i'm learning how to be 23. "God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, they could see the end from the beginning...." DA 224 |
